For years I have been daydreaming about what it would be like to just be riding again. I had visions of trotting down the trail with orange and yellow leaves falling on the path in our wake. I imagined doing circle and serpentines while being at one with my horse. Saddling up and mounting without a care in the world. I guess I just didn't think about the fact that is was not just a matter of getting on and going, there are still things that make me nervous. I still have demons. And I have no balance, it is rather embarrassing actually. I fight both with Corrie, my body, and my mind.
I feel really pulled in two directions right now. Tides run one way one day and the next they sway the other. One is my love of dressage. I just love everything about it. On the other hand is a very safe ride. That is basically what I should be doing now. Sensei is totally the right trainer for that. What I need vs what I want. Fantasy vs reality.
Dressage just makes so much sense to me. It is what I read about and study. I love it. I love the connectedness to the horse. The beauty. Helping them to be better balanced and in sync with their rider. Now I am talking about backyard dressage, not moving up the levels type of dressage. Although I would love that too. I love the training of dressage, the nuances of it. Studying every movement of the horse and how to enhance it.
Yet here I am. Forward is not my friend right now. Damn it. I want to move out but I am so conflicted about it. I get remained of that all the time. I don't really want to my horse to move out, even though I do. Damn it! Damn it!! I used to gallop up hills. I quit a trainer as a teen because I was told I couldn't gallop my horse anymore. Screw that! I galloped Hope all the time and was not going to give that up. What the hell has happened to me!
DAMN IT!
I think I am just going to have to say, okay. Ride. Just ride. Don't worry about if your horse looks like a damn western pleasure horse (puke). Just follow what Sensei says and get on and ride. That sucks. Not about Sensei, he really is awesome. I just want to ride dressage and I just can't. Not right now. I can just ride. Honestly I have have so many things going well for me. A great horse, a great trainer, and drive to just do it! Getting upset about a disciple at this point just seems silly. Corrie can be driven, ridden, and we are getting rather handy in our ground work too. I have not even had her a month, it might be that I am a tad bit impatient.
Tomorrow I get to drive. Yippy!
Can't run until you walk - one step at a time - you're making really wonderful progress almost every day. Dressage will be in your future!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the big stuff. Like Kate says, you can't run before you walk. In time it will all come.
ReplyDeleteAh, my dear friend, your words could be my words! I think my issue is that I want my youth back! Someone took it. It's gone - I'm left with this wobbly body that tires too darn easily and a brain that perceives speed in a different perspective!
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http://livingadream2.blogspot.com
Sounds like there is too much inner turmoil and conversations going on in your brain. I do the same thing, too. It's a struggle.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I am always talking myself out of doing things, because of what MIGHT happen. This year I promised myself, that when that annoying voice pops up, that I am going to just ignore it. I am just going to live life to the fullest and not worry about what MIGHT happen. Yes, I might get hurt, but I also might have the best time of my life, too.
I'm going to try and live life like the glass is half full, and not worry if the glass tips over.
I have no interest to ride dressage, though it is beautiful to watch. My balance is still off sometimes too, but I'm finding that if I stop focusing on my own body, and instead focus on my horse's movements, and just allow my body to move in synche with my horse, that I finally have better balance and ride much smoother, too.
~Lisa
Yep, just take your time. There is no hurry. :) You will get there one day though. Never give up on your dream. I too absolutely love dressage so I know how your feel. :)
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