Regrets

Regrets ...

Today I was thinking I am not so much disappointed about my life at this moment, just the fact that the 10 years before that I really wasted. There was so many little things I could have done during my 30's that I didn't.

Speaking mostly of the horses, I had a wonderful little driving pony that I let sit for most of his life. Ike was fully trained when I got him. I had a cart, I had a harness, I did not have experience with driving. I wish I had looked harder for a trainer to help me with driving. How much fun I missed out driving him!

All I said for all of Madison's life was what a cute little driving horse she would have been. I had the time. I had the experience to start her out. I would have been getting more experience in driving if I had just done it with Ike.

Now where are those horses? I can not even type it. I still have a hard time thinking about it. So much wasted talent and life. Both mine and theirs.

Those are just two of the many examples that is hard to swallow now. Where did the time go? Why didn't I just get up off my ass and doing some of those things? What am I missing out on now that I should just do?

What to do without a horse

I guess we all have times in our lives when we can't have a horse in our life. I have decided I am not going to run from who I really am this time. Or as Story put it "deliberately suppressed the horse crazy girl." I am not going to do that this time.

So what is a horse crazy girl to do?

Well youtube is wonderful! I wish I had this as a kid!

I LOVE this video of a mini barrel racing!


This one makes my heart ache, but I love it anyway:


I visit one of my favorite message boards: Ultimate Dressage
Very knowledgeable people from all levels of dressage. From the lowly backyard rider to the FEI level riders. People from all over the world. And we talk about everything from how to get your horse to walk nicely on a loose rein to why they are lame. From what we ate for breakfast to how to handle the most complex problems. Great group of intelligent people.

I am able to start reading blogs again. Some of my favorite are listed ... well ... here ----->

Watching horse movies is always fun. Found this one on Hulu the other day: Shergar

I listed Corrie on Craig's List again. I listed her cart too. *sigh*

But I am still a horse crazy girl.

Life without horses ... I don't think so?

My bag that I take to work everyday has this motto on it. I take that bag and put it in a locker everyday while I go and do I job that I admit I love to death. Then I goes bac into my car. I bet it is has been so long that it doesn't even have any horse hair left on it.

That bag along with a fleece pad that is now used as a dog bed, and a few other objects are just remnants of a life I used to have.

"Your the only girl I know who has hay in her car." Mike said that to me the other day, and a little spark lit in my heart for just a beat. I remember getting hay and stuffing it into my trunk. That was then.

I have been thinking about this blog often and all the friends I met doing it. I miss blogging and I miss reading everyone else's blog. You guys really helped me to grow.

My heart is so conflicted when it comes to the horses now. It is an ache that hurts so much when I think of them and often I just don't. For a long time I would watch youtube videos and get a far away look. "Watching horse videos again huh?" Mike would say. If he looked closely he would have seen a few tears escaping too. It took several months but I have put up some of my horse art around the place and even brought a picture of Hope and of Rocky. Just now he walked out from the bedroom and ask if I was okay. This is really hard to write.

Corrie is for sale. I don't know what else to do with her and it breaks my heart. I wish I could find affordable board around here, but honestly I am not even sure how much I could see her. "Affordable" board is around $400 a month. If I got to see her every weekend that would be $100 a ride. I could take lessons for less than that and not have to worry about the rest of the care. It is not the same though. Not like having my own horse.

I don't see her now. I have not seen her in months. Not since last September. I trust my trainer and I call to see how she is doing. Everytime I drive to Wisconsin I see my mother. We have next to no time together and then I have a 2 hour ride back to Chicago. Now my car is getting so bad I am not sure I want to risk taking it on an extra 4 hour drive.

I did have someone come to look at her. A therapeutic riding place. The shook maracas around her, and crumpled papers, and played with balls. She was awesome I am told. They loved her gaits and her manners. But in the end they didn't even want to try her for 30 days because she walked too slow when lead. In hindsight I should have had Sensei work with her between their visits to have him get her to lead the way they wanted her to, but I didn't.

I love Mike with all my heart. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and he seems kind of taken with me too. I am happy here in Chicago with him. I am very sad to be without a horse. It is like a part of me is dying. Some how I want to find a way to take lessons or at least be able to visit a barn.

My weight is still an issue and gives me pause about going to ride at a stable. Money is also always an issue. I guess I will have to see what the new year brings. Life without horses? I really hope not.

Well ... it has come to this ...

I told my trainer today that Corrie was for sale.

I got a job in Chicago. I will be taking up residence this week and starting my new job next week. I am really excited about my job, but not making as much as I had hoped. It doesn't make sense to try and keep Corrie knowing that I will see her 4 times a month for the next several months, and that we can not really afford it.

I am not giving up riding though. At least that is not the plan. I will start looking for a place to just take lessons down there. I know that for most places I will need to loose a little more weight for them to even let me ride, so I guess that is my next goal.

These past two weeks and been filled with sorrow and excitement. When one chapter ends, another starts and new adventures start. I hate the thought of losing Corrie, I really do. Yet I can not help being excited to starting a life with M.

I will still keep this blog going because I plan on still having horses in my life some way.
I am also starting a new blog Country Girl in Chicago. You all are invited to check out that blog as well!

Well ... short on words today. Too much going through my mind.

A Blink of an Eye

My heart is still aching for the loss of Madison, Ike, and Sophie. Rocky is still calling for his friends. Rocky and Madison were born a month apart on the same farm. They both traveled to me together when they were 4/5 months old. They have never been apart for 9 years. But that is how life goes. In a blink of an eye things can change.

I found this quote in the past few days:

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

I realized that I am sad because those three did bring me such delight.

No more watching Rocky and Ike play fight. Oh yes, miniature stay much more playful that big horses. Ike and Rocky would chance each other, rear up and and bite at each other and then take off for the chase again. Madison and Sophie would join in on the racing all around the pasture. That is all over now.

Madison was very much a mama's girl and would often come running up to me if I were in the pasture. In fact all of them were very much pocket ponies. Ike would wait until I have him a scratch on his butt before he would go out to pasture or when he came in from the pasture. Sophie was always waiting for her ears to be itched.

It is all of those little things that I think I miss the most: Listening to the call each other or for Sophie's bray or watching them graze in the pasture. Playing with them or taking photos of them or grooming them for photos, I miss those things.

On the farm it just seems like something is missing, a huge something is missing. I can not even begin to telling what a hole in the place those little guys left, not to mention the hole in my heart. But if I had never had them, so many delightful moments would never have happened.

Tragedy

Severe wind, a neighbor's tree

an electric fence and ponies are free

car, crash, they fail to flee

one, two, three

***

Rest In Peace

Fike's Angel Fire

Madison Avenue

and Sophie

Love Changes Things

Love is a pain in the ass.

I know, I know ... blue birds and rainbows, that is what love is supposed to be. Never really bought into that type of thing. I never really meant to fall in love.

M changed that, the jerk. No, I am totally kidding. I adore M. I adore him so much. It was nice at first, we would get together every week and that was fun. But then I fell more in love with him. He lives in Illinois and it takes a bit of time to get down there. Once a week I make the trip down to see him. I love that time, but the next day I head back up to Wisconsin. It is getting harder and harder to come back up every week.

I just found the best horse for me. I love her to death and she is the exact right horse for me. Then I find a man I can say the same things about. Unfortanately he lives in a large city in Illinois, and when I say large I mean big. Bigger than Madison, Wisconsin. Bigger than Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Care to take a guess? Yes, Chicago. I am not talking about a suburb of Chicago, I am talking about the great city.

See the problem here? Chicago is known for a lot of things. Beautiful buildings, culture, art, food, music. I mean there are a lot of nice things about Chicago. Wide open spaces suitable for horses is not one of them. I don't think they have been too keen on farm animals since Mrs. O' Leary's cow almost took out the whole city with one kick. Who cares if it really wasn't the cow's fault, she is still blamed.

So I sit here pondering my next move and what to do with Corrie. Where will I keep her? Will it be worth it to keep her in a suburb? How often will I be able to go a see her?