My bag that I take to work everyday has this motto on it. I take that bag and put it in a locker everyday while I go and do I job that I admit I love to death. Then I goes bac into my car. I bet it is has been so long that it doesn't even have any horse hair left on it.
That bag along with a fleece pad that is now used as a dog bed, and a few other objects are just remnants of a life I used to have.
"Your the only girl I know who has hay in her car." Mike said that to me the other day, and a little spark lit in my heart for just a beat. I remember getting hay and stuffing it into my trunk. That was then.
I have been thinking about this blog often and all the friends I met doing it. I miss blogging and I miss reading everyone else's blog. You guys really helped me to grow.
My heart is so conflicted when it comes to the horses now. It is an ache that hurts so much when I think of them and often I just don't. For a long time I would watch youtube videos and get a far away look. "Watching horse videos again huh?" Mike would say. If he looked closely he would have seen a few tears escaping too. It took several months but I have put up some of my horse art around the place and even brought a picture of Hope and of Rocky. Just now he walked out from the bedroom and ask if I was okay. This is really hard to write.
Corrie is for sale. I don't know what else to do with her and it breaks my heart. I wish I could find affordable board around here, but honestly I am not even sure how much I could see her. "Affordable" board is around $400 a month. If I got to see her every weekend that would be $100 a ride. I could take lessons for less than that and not have to worry about the rest of the care. It is not the same though. Not like having my own horse.
I don't see her now. I have not seen her in months. Not since last September. I trust my trainer and I call to see how she is doing. Everytime I drive to Wisconsin I see my mother. We have next to no time together and then I have a 2 hour ride back to Chicago. Now my car is getting so bad I am not sure I want to risk taking it on an extra 4 hour drive.
I did have someone come to look at her. A therapeutic riding place. The shook maracas around her, and crumpled papers, and played with balls. She was awesome I am told. They loved her gaits and her manners. But in the end they didn't even want to try her for 30 days because she walked too slow when lead. In hindsight I should have had Sensei work with her between their visits to have him get her to lead the way they wanted her to, but I didn't.
I love Mike with all my heart. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and he seems kind of taken with me too. I am happy here in Chicago with him. I am very sad to be without a horse. It is like a part of me is dying. Some how I want to find a way to take lessons or at least be able to visit a barn.
My weight is still an issue and gives me pause about going to ride at a stable. Money is also always an issue. I guess I will have to see what the new year brings. Life without horses? I really hope not.
I hit a point in my life when I had to give up horse ownership too. It was very sad and a difficult thing to do. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you and best for your horse, even if it means the two of you must part ways. But don't give up on your dream. I deliberately suppressed the horse crazy girl in me, because I was discouraged and felt hopeless about ever being able to have a horse again. I wish I hadn't given up like that. I wish I'd kept riding, somehow. The opportunity will come when you are ready for another horse. It came for me, but might have been sooner if I'd kept in touch with that horse crazy girl I tried so hard to stuff away. So don't give up. In the meantime, I think it would be great if you could take lessons or volunteer at a stable. It will keep the door open to future possibilities. I'm glad you put your horse art up. Keep carrying that tote bag with you.
ReplyDeleteThanks ... I find that encouraging. I think that I am going to keep horses in my life some how. I just can't not have them.
ReplyDeleteSorry it's taken so long to get over here. I feel your pain. In 2007 when I moved to a new city to a house with less than two acres unfenced I made the decision to give up the pony who had been one of my best friends for thirteen years. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done! I still miss her even today, but I'm lucky she's with a friend so I can still go see her and ride. :)
ReplyDeleteThose two years I went without a horse were miserable. I was in a new city with no friends. Didn't know my way around. My husband worked all of the time. I spent a lot of time alone with nothing to do. It was horrible! Sorry I'm probably not making you feel any better. Just trying to let you know that I totally understand. Hopefully it won't be quite as bad for you since you have a job you love with (hopefully) people you like. That makes it easier. :)
Don't ever give up hope though because you will have horses in your life again! People like us just can't live without them. :) Hang in there. You're doing great!