I am so mad at myself. Why can't I just get on Abby and ride? Why? I don't know. There are lots of excuses. Do any of them have any merit? I don't know that either.
Today a very nice woman came to look at Abby. She really seemed to hit it off with my girl. Abby was on her best behavior and the whole time I was talking to this woman I was thinking, why can't I use Abby this way? Why can't I just saddle her up and go down the trail? Why?
We walked out through the snow, walking through the barn, past the chickens and donkeys. Gates are frozen and I have to clean out the barn. Things that have been difficult, because my wrist is still so weak, have been left undone. Abby, the big beautiful black mare, stood with her mini friends eating hay. We walk right up to her and rub on her, she searches us for treats. Abby love attention. Loves the pets and scratches.
I get the halter and lead out. Abby, being the naughty "pony" she is starts to dart away and I show her treats. "OH," you can hear her say, " You have TREATS, okay put the halter on." That's my girl, ruled by her tummy.
We look at her and then I let her loose to trot around. Big beautiful high knee actioned trot. She is so beautiful when she moves. She stops and blows, billows of hot steam stream from her nostrils. Eventually she retreats to the barn and I have to go back and chase her out.
The woman, have I said she is very nice?, she asks for the lead and does a little in hand work with her. Abby backs and trots in a circle, stops and turns the other way. Abby is a good girl and does everything asked of her. The woman seems to know what she is doing. She like how Abby is on the ground but is cautions but wonders how she is under saddle. I don't even have Abby's saddle out here.
"She's so big!" "Looks like a full draft!" "I don't know if the trailer or stall will fit her."
We talk, the woman and I. She has a camera and takes lots of photos of Abby. Abby stands next to me as we discuss if Abby will meet the woman's needs. Abby stands a bit behind me and rests her head in my arms. I love her. The woman is really interested but is going to look at another horse and see if she can find a place that could accommodate a big girl like Abby. Abby rubs on me.
Back in the house the woman has left. I am left feeling cold. Not just from the weather but thinking that Abby might leave. She might find a new partner and I will never have conquered my fear of riding her. I still can feel her under me and remember the few rides I had on her and how much I enjoyed them. Where did it go wrong? Is it fair to keep Abby when she could go on and be used? My head says to let her go, but we still need to talk to my heart.