Fearless Driving

Oh yeah, I love driving now. I feel so much more confident driving. Sensei is hoping I actually do get a little fear, because now I don't feel scared. I may be nervous from time to time, but I'm pretty sure I can handle it. So opposite of riding, where I am still working up the nerve to do stuff that I have done 1000's of times.

Which, when you think about it, is kind of funny. I have driven 13 times with Sensei, twice on my own with Corrie and maybe 5 times with Ike, my mini. I have had 1000's of rides though. So it would make more sense for me to be more fearful of driving, but it was those few episodes of fear in riding that really give me pause.

Silly right? I mean I should totally be so much more fearful of going for a drive. I think the difference is I have not had a really bad driving accident. I hope that I never do. My worst fear is falling off. I REALLY don't want to fall again and that is a bad fear to have when riding. Driving? I don't have that fear. Corrie has spooked, she tried to run off with me the other day when I was on my own, but I controlled it. She got a little spooky later on with the neighbors moving stuff. Again, I knew how to handle it. Sensei was out there working another horse and his only comment was that I should have held Corrie a little longer. Of all the time that he is telling me to use less rein, for once he actually thought I needed to keep contact longer.

Yet that lack of fear is really helping with my fear of riding. Funny how that works. I have been driving and ground driven Corrie out in the big dry lot and finally I rode her out there. That was such a big deal. If I had not been driving I don't think that I would be half as far along as we are. As I gain confidence in one area, it crosses over to other parts.

Actually everything works together. I ride, drive, ground riding, and do ground work. All four of them work to make Corrie a better horse. Sensei is a big believer in ground work. I have at least on lesson in ground driving a month. Not exactly my favorite, I admit, but when I can tell Corrie to stand, walk out of the arena to my car, come back, and she is still in the same place, that is impressive. Point and she moves. It is nice to have a well trained horse. My job is to not mess her up, which is why I do the ground work lessons.

Guess what I am doing tomorrow.

One important step: Find a trainer

*WARNING* This is a long post.
In Jillian Micheal's book on weight loss she says that you need a support base of: a partner in crime, a mentor, and a fan. Same can apply to any behavioral change your trying to make. This post is about the mentor. It has been something I have wanted to blog about for awhile. I think that getting a trainer is the second most important thing I did to start the journey of getting over fear, yet it took me forever to do it. The first was to change my mindset to be more positive. After that I think finding a trainer I could work with has been priceless. It may be costing me a pretty penny, but I am riding again.

Sensei was not the first trainer I tried though.

I did find one great trainer a few years ago, but she had some issues of her own to deal with. So while it was great in lessons the rest of the time it was like dealing with a time bomb. She did teach me so much about getting a better seat. She also gave me lot of back handed complements. Like telling me that while other people would say I was too heavy to ride, she would work with me because she though I rode well. Or that I shouldn't worry about my large calves because that was the way I was and even though most people want thin calves, I would never have them but that was okay. Well I never was upset about the size of my calves until after that conversation. I stayed with her for as long as I could because she knew her stuff about biomechanics and was helping in that area so much. Finally it was too much though.

I left her just after I bought Abby. I actually would have never bought Abby if I had known I would lose my trainer. At that point though, I sort of thought I was well on my way and could handle Abby on my own. Besides she had ingrained it in my head that I was so heavy no other trainer would work with me. I was terrified of looking for another one. FYI I am what they call painfully shy.

So with the idea that nobody would work with me on their horse and having no way get my horse to someone or a place to have someone work with me at my place I was stalled for a few years.

During that time I was searching for someone to teach me to drive. I could not find anyone. I would ask around, talk to people who did drive, and nobody in my area taught driving. Or at least that is what I thought. Now just before I bought Kinsey I had gone to look at a very short and ornery Haflinger. I also did a little research about the breed. Wading through the mire of information on the net, I found Sensei. I did not call him then. *kicks self in butt*

Getting the boat load of trouble called Kinsey, I had about given up the idea of riding all together. Horses will be part of my life though, and I wanted to give driving another chance. So finally I did something smart. I called Sensei. Shyness almost won over and if I were not so desperate it really may have won, but I picked up the phone and called.

For driving lesson mind you, nothing else. I was NOT going to take riding lesson from a western guy even if he would let me ride his little horses, something that I highly doubted anyway. Well you know the rest of the story from there. I started driving and then starting sitting on a horse. Finally riding, now I have Corrie. Just goes to show that you can definitely get help from outside your chosen discipline.

If it were not for Sensei I would not be so happy riding again. I would be sitting with two horses I could not do anything with and missing out on riding for yet another summer. Getting a trainer was pivotal.

For the past three years I have been wanting to ride. I have been making little attempts at riding. I have been working, sort of, with my horses. Nothing came to pass because I needed that outside pair of eyes to help me get to my goal. Okay another true confession, I have ADD.

Look a pretty little pony:



See?



I get distracted by this idea and the next. I forget where I am going and end up at the start again. I have done this over and over again. That is one HUGE help that Sensei has given me. When I go out to the barn with some crazy idea, he takes me by the shoulders and turns me back to the goal.

Oh yeah a big pretty pony that I can ride and drive. I remember where I am going now.


That is something that a good trainer should be able to do. Help you find your goals and then stick to the path that takes you there. Weekly I would hear questions about getting my shafts for my cart, ground driving Ike, selling Abby and Kinsey, and other things I had to do to get on the right path for me.

Some of those decisions were really hard to make, like selling Kinsey and Abby. It about tore my heart. I really needed that objective person to help me move on from that point where I had horses that I could not use and were not suited for me at all to finding them good homes so that I could move on to a horse that is much more suited for me. It really has been very liberating.

Not any trainer could have or would helped me through all that. Not every trainer is suited to every student. I told you about one nightmare trainer that was actually good at training, but not as general person. Several years before her I hired a British guy who scammed me out of a lot of money. He seemed knowledgeable about horses in the beginning, but later said some odd things. I would blame odd information on that the fact that he was British. He is actually partly to blame for my fear. Those are the only two trainers I tried to have help me but they really put a bad taste in my mouth about getting help. That doesn't mean though that their aren't great trainers out that that still would not have been right for me. Keep looking until you do find one that you can work with.

So I understand how hard it is to find a good trainer. It isn't easy. I was so gun shy before Sensei. I did not even trust Sensei for a few months. Driving he was knowledge about, but I was not so sure about the riding part. Turns out that he is incredibly knowledge about about horse and people. My first few ground driving lessons were pretty easy stuff. Once we got out in the cart, I think he knew that I just needed to be working with the horse to work through my fear. We did a lot of talking, joking, and teasing. Probably because I was so tense. It was over time that I started to trust him and the horse. So give yourself a few lesson to get to know each other.

It is vitally important to trust your trainer. If you don't feel you can trust him, find one that you can. Especially if you are overcoming fear. You are hiring this person to help you work though some truly scary emotions. A lesson for a person overcoming a fear is very different than a learning to ride/drive lesson. Sensei did not push anything on me, unlike a normal lesson where a good trainer should be pushing you. Or maybe I should say that he was much more subtle about it. He is always waiting for me to make the first move, yet at the same time introducing me to new situations. I was nervous at times but trusted he wouldn't put me in a situation I couldn't handle.

As I get more confident he pushes more, but again that is how it should be. He puts little challenges out there for me. Both to work through on my own with Corrie and in lessons. He still realizes I have issues though. Now that I am feeling more confident, it does not mean that I don't still have fear. I think he realizes that more than I do, he has worked with a lot of people with fear issues. I sometimes think I can go out and do try something new and he will tell me to wait a bit more. Or more often shake his head when I tell him what I did and then tell me to wait a bit.

Trainers are there to be objective and sometime give you a reality check. You need to trust this person. And they need to be knowledgeable enough to be worthy of that trust, again, especially if you have fear issues.

Oh but don't think that I am saying you shouldn't question this person. I think Sensei would be very disappointed in me if I didn't question him to some extent. I want to know why. I don't just assume that he knows what he is talking about, likewise he asks me to explain why I do what I do. I think it is a huge red flag when a trainer doesn't like to be questioned or can't tell you why they are doing something. I am getting better about asking question if I don't understand.

And this maybe one reason that I really like Sensei. He does question me about what I do. Everything I do and rarely excepts an answer of "I don't know." At least not without a follow up lecture as to why it should or should not be done. If I can justify myself, even if it is different than how he does it, it's all good. I am sure that there are some that that would drive them batty.

Which is why you need to find a trainer that works for you. One that you can get along with. Your trainer maybe completely different than mine, but as long as she is knowledgeable, trustworthy, objective, and someone you can work with to meet your goals your on the right path. Just try to find someone and don't give up if the first one doesn't work.

I really wanted to share this because in my journey finding the right trainer has been vital to my success and will continue to be. I did not realize how important that one choice was going to be. Sensei is still going to be there through a whole lot more with me. Getting so I can drive Corrie on my own, bringing her home and driving her around here, going for a trail ride, cantering, and building a good solid relationship with Corrie so that I am not fearful to do all the above things. I know that my journey is far from over but I have a mentor for this journey.

Book Review: Ride With Confidence!

Ride with Confidence! Foreword and top tips from Kelly Marks. Chapters include: "Teaching the Nervous Rider" by Christina Barlow, "Managing Your Fear" by Julie Goodnight, "Understanding the Horse" by Abigail Hogg, " The NLP Approach to Confident Riding" by Liz Morrison, and "Hynotherapy and Hypnosis" by Sharon Shinwell.

I really like Kelly Mark's remarks and the bullet point suggestions throughout the book. There are lots of case studies that I found very encouraging. It has a lot of good information, especially a first glimpse into how to deal with fear. Some chapters I could do without, others are fairly basic, and others still offered some really good advice.

I am not really thrilled with the "Understanding the Horse" chapter. I really hate when equestrian "experts" take one aspect of horse behavior, such as horses contacting you with their lips, and over generalize it. The idea presented is that because horses lip before they bite, and biting is a sign of dominance, that means that allowing horses to take a treat you are allowing horses to be more dominate. Given her explanation, and my experience over a number of years a with a large number of horses, I am just not going to swallow that one. I am not going to say that all horses should be given treats or that all people do it properly, but just that I hate over reaching generalizations.

I almost let that part turn me off of the whole books but chapter one, "Managing Your Fear," is sound. Kelly offers a top 10 tip for handling fears is a great place to start. She suggests doing a risk analysis, finding a good instructor, and "under horse" yourself, among other thing. Her suggestions work for everyone from those that are afraid to even be near a horse to those that are nervous to jump a place to start. Two of my top favorites are to BREATH and finding "alternative" methods for managing fear.

Among those alternatives are hypnotherapy, the NLP approach, positive thinking, the importance of setting goals, and Bach flowers. The Neuro-Linguistic Programing is a sports psychology technique. It is a way to overcome a self doubt not only in your horse world but also in life as a whole. I have been thinking of getting some self- hypnosis tapes. I have not tried all the techniques in this book yet, but found the information helpful in making some decision about what would be helpful for me to try. I have found that overcoming fear is just like anything else, try new ideas, take what you like and get rid of the rest

One last chapter I want to mention is the one for trainers/ instructors. I think that this book is really great for those of you that work with people who have fear. It helps you have a sneak peak into our minds as well as offer a lot of suggestions for lesson plans and steps to take to help your client overcome their fear. This book really is a must for you.

If you are on a limited budget, this maybe one that you want to check out from the library. Instructors may find this book even more useful; it is the only one I have read so far that has information written just for you. Overall I am going to give this book a thumbs up.

Part Three: Plan for success

We have covered the first two videos and now we are down to making a plan to get back to doing whatever it is that you want to be doing with your horse.

Many of the things that they hit upon in this video are things that I have stressed before. Getting in shape for riding, working in your confidence zone, and then take steps in to the area that makes you feel uncomfortable, but not scared, fake it until you can make it, and being positive.

I started this blog because of fear. It is so hard to admit that you have fear in the equestrian world. For a long time it has been a dirty word. People who have fear are worried about how others are going to view them. It is hard when you head know so much more than your fear will allow you to do. It is embarrassing to be the only one who does not want to gallop of full tilt across the pasture or on trails. Or the only one that doesn't want to jump. I know in a barn situation that people gossip. I have heard people gossiping about others, I sure as heck know they are going to be doing the same behind my back. That is why I started this blog, because we need others to help us along the way.

We need support from friends, family, and other equestrians. Often we can find the support from friends and family, it is the support from other equestrians that is more difficult. I wanted to step up and admit my fear, although I proud to say it is getting under control now, in order to offer support to others. Here are some other on line places to get support.
A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse forum
Positively Riding
These videos were made by the Dreampower Horsemanship if you are in the Bay area. . . I'm not but heck if you are it looks great.

Check out local riding instructors. There are people that are compassionate enough to take the time to work with you. Just remember that anyone can call themselves a trainer and offer lessons. Watch them give lessons and ask lots of questions.

A little video help

Holding Back

I am so mad at myself. Why can't I just get on Abby and ride? Why? I don't know. There are lots of excuses. Do any of them have any merit? I don't know that either.

Today a very nice woman came to look at Abby. She really seemed to hit it off with my girl. Abby was on her best behavior and the whole time I was talking to this woman I was thinking, why can't I use Abby this way? Why can't I just saddle her up and go down the trail? Why?

We walked out through the snow, walking through the barn, past the chickens and donkeys. Gates are frozen and I have to clean out the barn. Things that have been difficult, because my wrist is still so weak, have been left undone. Abby, the big beautiful black mare, stood with her mini friends eating hay. We walk right up to her and rub on her, she searches us for treats. Abby love attention. Loves the pets and scratches.

I get the halter and lead out. Abby, being the naughty "pony" she is starts to dart away and I show her treats. "OH," you can hear her say, " You have TREATS, okay put the halter on." That's my girl, ruled by her tummy.

We look at her and then I let her loose to trot around. Big beautiful high knee actioned trot. She is so beautiful when she moves. She stops and blows, billows of hot steam stream from her nostrils. Eventually she retreats to the barn and I have to go back and chase her out.

The woman, have I said she is very nice?, she asks for the lead and does a little in hand work with her. Abby backs and trots in a circle, stops and turns the other way. Abby is a good girl and does everything asked of her. The woman seems to know what she is doing. She like how Abby is on the ground but is cautions but wonders how she is under saddle. I don't even have Abby's saddle out here.

"She's so big!" "Looks like a full draft!" "I don't know if the trailer or stall will fit her."

We talk, the woman and I. She has a camera and takes lots of photos of Abby. Abby stands next to me as we discuss if Abby will meet the woman's needs. Abby stands a bit behind me and rests her head in my arms. I love her. The woman is really interested but is going to look at another horse and see if she can find a place that could accommodate a big girl like Abby. Abby rubs on me.

Back in the house the woman has left. I am left feeling cold. Not just from the weather but thinking that Abby might leave. She might find a new partner and I will never have conquered my fear of riding her. I still can feel her under me and remember the few rides I had on her and how much I enjoyed them. Where did it go wrong? Is it fair to keep Abby when she could go on and be used? My head says to let her go, but we still need to talk to my heart.